Have you ever heard of absyinthe? Well where I live it's illegal and hard to get. It's this really potent alcohol, that taste kinda like black licorice (eeeww). So the other night, when I was desperate for company, after I stalked Brenda with no success, I went over to my Brother-in-law Jason's house. I was in a good mood, so I thought I would kill the weirdness that was going to be between My sister-in-law and me, after the whole lesbian New years Eve weird thing. So they offer me the absyinthe, and we are all hangin out and talkin about stupid stuff-it's cool. They explain to me how supposedly it's the stuff Van Gogh was drinking when he cut his ear off.

Well while Jason is recording his music, Celeste and I go to look at her new out fit. She decides to bring up New Years, and basically trys to pin it all on me! I wanted to cut HER ear off!

How can I be the one that instigated it, when I went to my own room drunk, to go to bed because the room was spinning? Then out of the blue, I feel someone crawling into bed with me, and it's not my husband? She was the one saying that she's done it tons of times before, and it's not cheating if it's another girl. My god! I feel so violated. What a dirty whore! I just squashed it and let it go, even though I was pissed. I doubt seriously that she will crawl in bed with me again anytime soon. Once she realized that she totally read me the wrong way to think I was like that. Of course -I seem like the type!

Thinking about my real mom yesterday made me pull out my Eminem Cds. I usually get bootleg copys of stuff before they are released, and I play them out and get sick of them before most people even hear the stuff. So it's been a couple of months since I've listened to him. This one part of cleanin out my closet says alot of the things I'd love to say to her:

see what hurts me the most

is you won't admit you was wrong, bitch, do your song,

keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom,

but how dare you try to take

what you didn't help me to get,

you selfish bitch,

I hope you fuckin' burn in

hell for this shit,

***************************************

okay, flowers and dandelions, and pink clouds, is all I am going to talk about now.Wait a minute... this is my life... Never mind.

Today was fun. My father-in-law sent christmas money to all of us. My husband gets it, and pockets me and the kid's money too! So when I ask him about it he laughs! He gives me $20, and tells me to go to the grocery store-hot damn! i is a lucky gal!

I was gonna just order pizza for the kids, but I figured not having milk would bite me in the ass later, so I reluctantly drug two kids fighting, the whole way to the grocery store. I'll skip the whole Tiffany thing, blah, blah, blah,

long story short-when I get outside with the kids and the groceries, the truck won't start! I scrape togethe rmy last 50 cents and try calling my parents- the answering machine picked up and ate my money! I didn't have a coat, and the kids only had their winter coats on-no hats or gloves-(I thought it was going to be a quick run.)

I have to walk a half a mile home in the freezing cold on a busy road, that had no sidewalks, and no shoulder. God did that suck-we were so cold! Plus the kids wouldn't quit fighting and whining. So then I decide I'll just take my mustang up and pick up the groceries that are in the truck-the Mustang won't start either! Today was very stressful. My dad came to the house and took us back up to get the groceries-thank god!

So here is a qoute I read recently that reminds me of my life struggle:

Each of us wages a private battle each day between the grand fantasies we have for ourselves and what actually happens

ha! ha! how funny is that! next -- previous DISCLAIMER