I was sitting in the dark the other night thinking about myself and all of my weirdness. I started to think about my inability to touch other people. Skin is so gross to me- any kind. There are a few exceptions to this rule, my kids of course, my mom, and my husband. OR if I'm really drunk, and acting slutty at a bar. I think thats my biggest problem with feeling regret or grossed out about a relationship I have had with someone. It's not that I am sickened and ashamed by my actions, it's the fact that I was touching someone strange, and they were touching me, and at the time I didn't care. EWWW it's so gross. I feel totally noided, when I accidently bump into someone or brush up against them by accident. It makes my skin crawl. What I really hate is when I am in a waiting room somewhere, and the seats are really close together. So when I am sitting there, every now and then my knee might touch the person beside of me, or their leg is touching mine-god! I cannot stand that. Even if it's just by a hair. I will sit there and try to squeeze my legs together really tight just so they don't touch. Even if it starts to hurt. Don't they notice that our legs are touching? doesn't it bother them? Are they secretly hating me because our knees are slightly touching. Do they think I'm a perv and I secretly like it? Are they a perv that is enjoying it?

You know how bad I am about touching other people? There is one situation that I hate being in. You know the one:

Your friend is having a mental breakdown, they are exposing all of their pain, and sharing all of their feelings with you.

Being in this situation pisses me off so bad. It's not that I don't care about them or their feelings. It's that I know they need to be conforted, and usually that in volves a hug, or some type of touch, and I couldn't stand to bring myself to do it. It has nothing to do with me caring about them, it is just because touching people freaks me out. So being in the situation makesme so pissed. The reason, for this is I look like an asshole, and I'm not helping my friend that needs me. But I can't help it!

The one time I broke down, and was going to hug a friend of mine-she freaked out, jumped away and yelled, "don't hug me! I fuckin hate to be hugged!" I felt like an ass. But I was releaved. I told her , "Good, I didn't want to hug you anyways!" Now we never have to worry about it again. How ironic.

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