I was thinking a couple of days ago about james dean, and how hot he was.

Then I started thinking about East of Eden, and the whole "needing to meet your real mother just to find out she's evil, and knowing you arep robally evil just like her" and how I relate to all of that. Plus, I really liked the movie. I decided to check it out at the library since I have spent so much time there with the kids lately. Well none of the surrounding free libraries have a copy. I couldn't figure out why there was such a holding list for the book. To my dismay, I found out that damn Oprah made it the new book in her club. Damn her, now I'll have to go buy a copy (if I'll be able to find that, especially one with out her name scrolled on the front.)

My car blew up last night, so I might not have decent transportation for awhile. Then, when we woke up, my husband and I found his truck with a flat tire.

All of these car troubles, has made it practically impossible for us to open our pool this year.

I'm not to mad a bout it anymore though, because I am reminded of my son and his Jinx. Since he has been born, every august or around that time, he usually has some bad accident. and everyother year, its usually a real band one. He was attacked by a dog on august fourth when he was 2, he fell of a trampoline and broke his elbow really bad agust 28th when he was four, and this year he'll be six. I think someone is trying send me a signal that opening the pool this year is a bad idea. Why else would all these obstacles be in the way?

I am trying really hard not to drink, because I have started to lose more weight again. But for the first time I am going crazy, and I want to get really drunk. I was hoping I would have some prescription pills tonight, but things didn't turn out as planned.

I had to take my friend today to the abortion clinic. I felt so bad for her, she didn't want to go through it, but at this point she doesn't have any other options. She didn't have one because she just didn't want a baby right now, or anything like that. She really didn't have much else of a choice. My old friend Heather's mom was like that, she found out it was ectopic (?), and had to have one.

Anyways my friend was really sad, and didn't want to do it, but knew she didn't really have any other choice. I would never want to have an abortion, but I believe that there are times when it is necesarry. A necesarry evil. There was one time when I thought I was going to have to go for one. It cost her over 500 dollars, and was very, very painful. She had this doctor that did one every five minutes, the women were being shoved thru like cattle, that doesn't sound safe to me. She didn't have any anesthesia, they just injected needles into her cervix. Plus, they didn't put a towel up or anything, she saw it all.

The even sadder part was the doctor couldn't believe that she was that upset. Like it wasn't a baby or anything. Like they aren't women that exist that really don't believe in using it as a form of birth control. like it was totally cry babyish for her to be acting the way she did.

She's really sad right now, and in a lot of pain. I don't think a lot of people realize how knowing you did that can really mess you up mentally, or how great the feeling of loss can be. Even for the fathers. I remember hearing Kid Rock talking about how sad it made him when his first girlfriend had an abortion. While I was waiting (it was an all day process) I went to walk outside to sneak a smoke, and I saw a guy who had been with one of the girls in the lobby, sitting in the stairwell trying to muffle his sobs. As I went to the door and light blast through, I was greeted with protestors standing out front. The nurse said they come every thursday. They didn't treat us like we were evil, they treated us more like we were poor helpless creatures from god's wasteland, and they just wanted to bless our souls, like martyrs, saving us from eternal hell fire.

*music in my head*

"And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the doors

They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

[CHORUS]

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes

'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose"

Since she was in a lot of pain, she couldn't even stand up straight, we asked the doctor for a prescription. He gave her a prescription for basically some tylenol. We thought they would at least give her something good for the pain. Assholes. They want to act like they are saving your life, just like the protestors, and all that really going on is the girl is getting shit on from all directions.

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