Last night my friend sent me an email that was one of those smurf name generators. So I typed my name in, and then it told me that if I was a smurf, I would be "FATASS SMURF"!

To think I felt like shit before, even a name generator has me pegged.

Vonnie and I got really stoned the other night after work,so we went to Denny's. The whole time I was there everything was really weird. There was this huge 500 lb. guy sitting at the counter, and every time he would take a bite, he would look at me and laugh. All my paranoid brain kept thinking was, "haha, soon this is going to be YOU!"

Then, there was a whole group of guys that came in and they kept whispering, but I swore I could hear what they were saying. They were looking at me on and off and laughing the whole time they were in there. They kept describing a girl that looked like me, but then they started saying how fat she was. that her gut hung over her pants and blah, blah, blah,...

They were sitting across the restaurant

so it had to be my brain playing tricks on me because there was no way I could of heard their whispers.

Everytime they would walk by, I would hear them say stuff under their breath like, fatty, hefer and huge. I know I wasn't imagining that because Vonnie heard them too.

When we left, and I had to walk by them outside, the one guy looked at his friend and said, "Damn, I thought for sure that was Lisa!"

So what the hell should I make from all of that?

I thought you were suppose to feel better about yourself when you started to lose weight?

I am more paranoid and self concious now than I was ever before. I guess I am finally accepting that I am not size 3 anymore, and it's gonna take me awhile before I am there again. But damn, I'm not the 500 lb. guy at the counter. I am being consumed by this thing. Nightmares and all. I had a dream one time that Whitney Houston was giving a speech with a big ass greasy piece of fried chicken in her mouth, and she was talking with her mouth open. I tried telling my mom about these crazy dreams, but she just told me I am trying to psyche myself out mentally and that she didn't want to hear about it. It made me feel as if she thought I was making the dreams up.

My husband completely ignores me anymore. For the eight years we have been together, the whole time he has been obssessed with me, regardless of how I have felt towards him. Now, it's like I am invisible. I am not use to things being this way.

I started thinking that If I dissapearred tomorrow, no one would even blink an eye. Not even him.

I feel totally unloved right now. I am such a cry baby.

Anyways, My 100th entry is coming up soon, so I would looooove for people to sign my guestbook and give me ideas on how to celebrate. next -- previous DISCLAIMER