I have been so busy with this damn holiday that I was not in the mood for. I've tried so many years to try and make it something great, realising it was all stupid because my whole life is fake, and i'm not happy so why pretend. I'd much rather go back to the grind, where everything is functioning on a normal schedule. At least when I'm busy at the norm, I don't have to be reminded that my life is lacking all that I want... This is the first time it's New Years and I don't give a shit. No matter how hard I try it's not going to be mind blowing, fire works popping exciting, so why bother? Fuck it! Fuck it all... I just want to close my eyes till my body has drifted to the future where happiness awaits...

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I did however try to fake enough for my kids, I try so hard for them to have a nice happy christmas, and yet its seems like no matter what I do it all goes worng and I feel like a failure (by my own standards) as a parent. Here they are with santa, they are so damn cute!

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